It’s so hard to take a chance. And life is full of gambles, forks in the road, and so many choices. And most of us are full of expectations, desires and dreams of what we want for ourselves. And in the end, none of us have a crystal ball. So, we pray, and talk endlessly about manifesting our dreams. Sometimes, we do tons of research and talk endlessly to our friends about our decisions, hopes and dreams. But in the end we have to turn our bodies in a certain direction and face our fears and dreams courageously.
Do you really want a baby? Are you willing to go into a drug store and pick up an ovulation kit and a semen analysis kit or does even that seem too scary? Yet, for many people it can be the first step to parenthood. Just getting a baseline on their fertility.
If we are unable to take a risk, the fact is that we may spend our lives in what may seem like a very safe holding pattern. But in reality it is not safe at all. Instead we may find ourselves stuck in the mud and we can only build mud pies for so long. After a while, it simply feels dirty in a way that is not fun or playful.
There are so many times in our lives when we have the opportunity to turn from the expected, and move our lives to a place where the skies could open in ways that we can’t imagine if only we moved. Wanting a baby, and not being able to have one can be a emotional dark hook that traps you into a certain way of thinking.
Believe it or not, we can become addicted to the hook – even if we are not aware of it. The hook of next time, one more try before we buy that kit, or call that doctor. This way of thinking can keep us stuck in a holding pattern for years. It can become what we know – and there can even be safety in the pain. Few of us have a real action plan or map of treatment that takes us from Point A to Point B.
And it is not just about fertility treatment – I often get calls from women who are referred to me from their friends who see that they are sinking with that dark hook in their bodies. Some of them are in their forties and have been trying to conceive for years on their own and have never seen a doctor. They might book a consultation with me – or send an email – but they can’t make the next move. That dark hook of fear weighs them down too much to move forward. So instead – they might never even try to have a baby – whatever fear is holding them back – is too strong to even take the first step. To me this is tragic. We have great big lives to live! And my mission is to help people live them with the most courage they can muster! And we all have it in our hearts.
I am currently listening to the wise and fabulous Pema Chodron who is a Buddhist nun. I love listening to her, even though I am not a Buddhist. What is playing on my iPod right now is a lecture that she recently presented called “Unconditional Confidence: Instructions for Meeting Any Experience with Trust and Courage.”
Most of us are always facing situations where we need to develop unconditional confidence. I know that this sounds like some kind of a fantasy. Having unconditional courage does not mean that we always get our way – but it is a way of being kind and compassionate to ourselves while we continue to turn to face our fears and move forward in our lives. Everyone should listen to this lecture!
When I think of all of those couples who spend years wanting a baby, and never even check out their basic fertility parameters with over the counter fertility tests, it really makes me want to cry. I wonder what it is that is really holding them back from building their family? It really can’t be about the embarrassment of buying a kit, or finding out the truth about their fertility? More likely it is a fear of making a mistake in their lives – so instead they sit with that dark hook of staying in that one place forever. At least it is safe they tell themselves – but are they happy?
What is your dark hook? Can you identify it? Face it and decide to take a leap of faith by moving in a new direction?
Understand that if you can find your courage – the skies might be blue on this new road and the sun might come out.
Pamela Madsen
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Pamela Madsen was the first Executive Director of RESOLVE NYC and is the Founder of The American Fertility Association. Pamela is an internationally known fertility advocate who has appeared on Oprah and countless other major media outlets. Currently, Pamela is a fertility coach and publisher of The Fertility Advocate. She is also a blogger for Psychology Today and SpermCheck Fertility. |
