Lately I have been thinking about blame. Blame is something that often comes up when we make shifts in our lives, or feel stuck. Or if we can’t find a reason for our current situation, like trying to make a baby, and it’s not going exactly as planned.
Blame is a kind of shield that we can hide behind. It’s a barrier that keeps us from speaking in a real way with others. Instead, we become attached to this idea of who is right and who is wrong. When it comes to baby-making stress it can sound like this: “I told you we were waiting too long to try to have a baby”, “Why won’t you get your sperm tested? Why is it all about me?”, “I would go to the fertility doctor if you would go with me, but I don’t want to go alone! When you decide to come, we will go together.” Blame can also be mixed in with regret about past pregnancies or health difficulties, or even waiting too long to get married. Sometimes we can even blame our families or our communities. If only there were better health care in our country we would not be in this position!
Blaming others somehow makes us feel better. Humans have been doing this since there have been humans. When we blame others, it somehow supports us in protecting our own hearts from the reality of our own lives and our own choices. It can feel so hard to be completely honest with yourself, and instead of owning our own stuff, our own pain – we throw blame in an attempt to feel better. I would love to encourage you to let go of the blame game, and start playing the take action game. The blame game doesn’t promote healing, change, or love. Instead, it waters anger, separation, and a sense of aloneness.
So make a u-turn, and play a new game. Begin to take the steps that you know in your heart you need to take in order to make your dreams of a family come true. Blame is not a card on the table.
|Pamela Madsen was the first Executive Director of RESOLVE NYC and is the Founder of The American Fertility Association. Pamela is an internationally known fertility advocate who has appeared on Oprah and countless other major media outlets. Currently, Pamela is a fertility coach and publisher of The Fertility Advocate. She is also a blogger for Psychology Today and SpermCheck Fertility.